Our hearts torn between places

Walking was not fast enough, so we ran. Running was not fast enough, so we galloped. Galloping was not fast enough, so we sailed. Sailing was not fast enough, so we rolled merrily along on long metal tracks. Long metal tracks were not fast enough, so we drove. Driving was not fast enough, so we flew.

Flying isn't fast enough, not fast enough for us. We want to get there faster. Get where? Wherever we are not. But a human soul can only go as fast as a man can walk, they used to say. In that case, where are all the souls? Left behind. They wander here and there, slowly, dim lights flickering in the marshes at night, looking for us. But they're not nearly fast enough, not for us, we're way ahead of them, they'll never catch up. That's why we can go so fast: our souls don't weigh us down.

-- Margaret Atwood (Found courtesy of a dear friend.)

I write to Gabby about how I wish I could just take everyone I love with me wherever I go, and how it feels like my heart is scattered across the country. She writes back with words of understanding and wisdom: "I know the feelings that are torn between place and people though...if I could pile up all the ones I love and cart them away to my farm in Ontario, I'd be in Heaven on earth. The very idea of it almost hurts it would be so fantastic. But I will stay here, you will stay in Nova Scotia (for the time being, at least!), and my family will stay in Ontario, and we will continue to feel our hearts torn between places. Because that is the path that we have chosen, and one of the burdens we must bear."

I find myself missing Montreal. I find myself missing Wolfville when I'm not here. I find myself missing Alberta. I find myself missing Toronto, and Paris, and Dublin, and London. Sometimes I find myself missing places I have never been.

I constantly want to be somewhere else. Yet, I constantly want to be exactly where I am. I constantly miss people. Yet, I wouldn't want to leave the people I have here in order to be back with the people I have left.

I wonder what all this torn-ness is doing to my heart, to my soul.