You tell me it is too early to be looking back

On Turning Ten
Billy Collins

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light -
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I would shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

I have been acutely aware of growing up lately. Sometimes this is sad and terrifying. Sometimes it's exciting. Sometimes it simply is. Regardless of what I'm feeling about it at any given moment though, it has been looming large in my thoughts lately.

Ghosts

Ghosts
The Head and the Heart

Boys in the street are talkin' about leavin', they're leavin'
Lookin' for places to go
Boys in the street are talkin' about leavin', they're leavin'
Lookin' for places to go

Andy built his coffin down in Carolina
Told me he was runnin' from somethin'
But I think he's just out chasin' girls

When Mary moved all her shit to Chicago
Her mother made sure she left with her Bible but
You won't find her face on Sundays

Du du du-du-du-du, du du du-du-du-du
Du du du-du-du-du, du du du-du-du-du

All my friends are talkin' about leavin', about leavin'
But all my friends are sitting in their graves
All my friends are talkin' about leavin', about leavin'
But all my friends are sitting in their graves

Is it any wonder why we all leave home?
People say, "I knew you when you were six years old"
And you say, "But I've changed, I've changed, I've changed, I've changed"

Mom and Dad, if only you could see me now
Been here for a year and now I own this town
Cause I've changed, I've changed, I've changed, I've changed

Du du du-du-du-du, du du du-du-du-du

Du du du-du-du-du, du du du-du-du-du

All my friends are talkin' about leavin', about leavin'

But all my friends are sitting in their graves

All my friends are talkin' about leavin', about leavin'

But all my friends are sitting in their graves

One day we'll all be ghosts

Trippin' around in someone else's home

One day we'll all be ghosts, ghosts, ghosts

Ghosts, ghosts, ghosts

One day we'll all be found

No longer lost, we're just hanging around

One day we'll all be found, found, found

Found, found, found

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-da

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-dap, ba-dap, ba ba-da-da

Ba-da


I seriously enjoy The Head and the Heart. Great, great music. This song is fabulous and has been helping me get through my mornings of paper writing this weekend. Plus I think the sentiment is rather appropriate for the stage of life I'm in. When I decided to post this song I thought of these freaky photos that I took in first year. One night a bunch of us went to the park and the combination of the lighting and the movement of the swings made everyone look see-through. So weird. And so awesome. And they somehow capture the combination of melancholy and happiness that this song has.

Snow Day

Yes, a snow day in May (sorry, I couldn't resist exploiting that particular rhyming opportunity). Apparently this morning was rather blizzard-like what with the continuing insane wind and the snow. I was asleep at that point, or at least trying very hard to sleep, so I only know this from what my mom told me and the fact that the world was completely white when I finally did drag myself out of bed. I had probably the worst sleep I've had in quite a while last night. It was pouring rain and incredibly windy which meant that the sound of pounding rain on my window woke me up about every half hour. And then around the time that stopped, the neighbours decided to run their truck for a very long time (which I understand in winter, but not any other time of the year), and by then my family was getting up and making noise. On the bright side one of my sweet cats came and slept on my bed with me all night. Normally I don't allow the cats into my room at night (due to the fact that they tend to wreak havoc with my possessions) and on the odd occassion that I do let one of them in they usually want out at 3 in the morning and wake me up with their meowing and scratching at the door. But it was like my kitty knew I was sick. She spent the afternoon on the couch with me and then ensconced herself on my bed around 11 and didn't leave until 6 in the morning (which is her breakfast time and she is rather fond of food). And she spent the afternoon today with me on the couch again. Such a good cat. On the bright side, despite my horrid rest, I am feeling better today. I mean, I still feel disgusting and flu-like, but markedly better. And after surviving a brush with H1N1 last November, this flu is like being whacked with a little baby wrecking ball instead of a really massive, taking-down-a-25-story-building kind of wrecking ball.

Needless to say, this whole being ill business meant that I didn't shower or change out my pjs today, much less wander around in the disgusting and entirely unseasonal weather taking pictures. I'm slightly sad about that since the snow is all wet and heavy. Perfect snowman snow. Pictures would have been fun. Anyway, these pictures are actually from Christmas a couple years ago. I went for a walk to the elementary school playground by my house on Christmas Day and the place was deserted. This is actually the school I went to from kindergarten to grade 6, so I've spent a lot of time on this playground. I'm willing to bet it would have looked relatively similar today. Well, minus the deserted part since I guess school is still in session. There is something wonderful about playgrounds. They always make me feel like a little kid. How cool would it be to take engagement photos in a playground? (yes there is a reason I am thinking about engagement photos, no it is not because I am engaged) I think my friends and I might have to visit some playgrounds this summer and take some photos. Sounds like fun.