Breaking the Rules

Apparently I have been learning a lot about myself lately. A couple of weeks ago, as I was working on a massive stack of papers, I came to this realization: I dislike rules. I'm not an anarchist, and I certainly recognize that having rules makes society survivable. In fact, I am generally what might be described as a "goody-goody". I follow the rules, I just resent them while I do it. Whenever I am told I can't hav something, I want it. I am constantly longing for something I don't have or somewhere I can't be. Whenever someone tells me what I should be doing I automatically want to do something else, and whenever someone tells me not to do something I automatically want to do it. Seriously. You know those signs in various public locations saying "No Loitering"? As soon as I see one of those I want to loiter. Never in my life have I had a need to loiter anywhere, but every time I see one of those signs I wish I had a reason to loiter. I love that this little wildflower refused to conform to its surroundings. I took this over the thanksgiving weekend in October. Not exactly prime flower season around here. And yet here was this little red flower, simply refusing to bow to the norm, refusing to be a washed-out colour that would blend in with the general death-like tones of October gardens. Nope, not this guy. He was going to be unapologetically red. I like that. Sometimes I wish I was more like that.

Feeling Dancey

David tells me that fairies never say, 'We feel happy': what they say is, 'We feel dancey.' 

Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens by J.M. Barrie 

The past couple days have been nothing short of perfect. I've been searching for a way to express how exceptionally happy they have made me, and today I came across this quote in Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens and knew that I had found it. I feel dancey. What a delightful phrase. Apparently fairies "forget all the steps when they are sad, and remember them again when they are merry" (50-1). This captures how I feel perfectly. Whenever life gets frustrating and upsetting (and those have been the overruling emotions the past couple of days for me) I stop dancing. This probably sounds a bit odd, but let me try to explain. I live my life to a relatively constant soundtrack of music. When I'm getting ready in the morning I tend to dance around my room to music. It doesn't really matter whether it is actually dance appropriate music or not, but I jump around like a fool (this is not something that I really want anybody to witness since I look completely ridiculous, but it makes me happy and helps me hate mornings a little less). While I do homework I chair dance (which I am certain is quite amusing for people who are walking past my office). If I ever am lucky enough to have the apartment to myself I bring music into the kitchen while I cook or clean and dance around. When I'm in choir I tend to sway or bounce (which I am positive looks strange, but I am not the only one who does it so I am usually okay with it). But whenever I am stressed or depressed or angry though I can't dance. Seriously. I've tried the whole dancing to turn my mood around thing and it just doesn't work for me. I can fake it for about five minutes. After that I just stop because I can't figure out what to do. It's like suddenly my body has no idea how to keep a beat or move in a semi-coordinated fashion. That is how I've been feeling the past couple weeks: like a simply can't dance. There was just no music left in my body. I totally listened to it and even sang along with some songs, but it was like life had just sapped all of the joy from my body and with it had gone all joy in music. Choir was difficult. Normally I can lose myself in the music, but it felt like a chore. But suddenly, the past few days have restored my ability to dance. (In fact, I am chair dancing in my office as I write this). This is a wonderful feeling and I am hoping it lasts for quite some time.

Used and Abused

I have recently learned something about myself: I am careless with my heart. If you know me, you might disagree with this. I have friends who say that relationship-wise they think I will eventually be the happiest of all of us because I'll take my time, I'll be careful and I won't just throw myself into the first arms that are open to me. I have even been known to think this about myself. I am incredibly cautious. I think everything through. I know I am a deeply emotional person, so I tend to hold back and edit myself for a long time before I completely trust someone. The thing I've realized though is although I might never tell anyone (including myself) how invested I am in a relationship, the truth is I throw myself in all too fast. Guys, girls, potential lovers, new friends, it doesn't matter who it is. I fall hard and fast. And then it happens. I've entrusted my heart to this person and suddenly they look at me and say "What the hell are you doing? I never asked you for this." And then they drop it and leave it bruised and bleeding, covered in dust and the crud from the bottom of people's shoes. So I pick it up and clean it off and stitch the wounds closed. And for a time I am careful, oh so incredibly careful. Eventually though the stitches come out, and even though the wounds are still scabby and tender, I think to myself, "Hey, I'm all better now." And I promptly turn around and hand my heart to the next person. And the cycle starts all over again. I've been left with an incredibly beat up heart. And yet I find myself actively searching for someone I can give it to. Maybe I'm an idiot. Maybe I'm a masochist. But maybe, just maybe, I'm hoping that the next person I give it to will look at it, see the scars, take it and wrap it in beautifully soft cloth and keep it somewhere safe. Maybe they will be able to take better care of it than me.

So, here's the story of this blog. It is a bit more personal than I tend to get on here. I always try and be honest with you guys, but sometimes I hesitate to put anything too detailed on here. I wrote this at two in the morning, so it's definitely a bit...earnest. Everything always seems so intense in the middle of the night. Last week I typed this all up, selected a picture, went to post it...and stopped myself. Just so everyone knows: I am perfectly fine. I have some seriously wonderful friends and a family who loves me a lot. I am blessed with many relationships in my life where I am cared for in an incredible manner. However, I find that when one person hurts you it is easy to forget about all of those good relationships. It takes a lot of peope to compensate for that one abuse. I am constantly amazed that despite having been hurt I still search and hope for love in all its forms. I think that's a good thing though. I think it makes me human.

I took this picture over Thanksgiving weekend in my mom's garden. A bunch of rose buds had come out on one of her bushes just before frost started showing up and kind of petrified in this state. I thought they were gorgeous in all of their decaying glory.

Heart Screams

And you taught me what this feels like.
And then how it feels to lose it.
And you showed me who I wanted.
And then who I wasn't.
And you ticked every box.
And then drew a line.
And you weren't mine to begin with.
And then not to end with.
And you looked like everything I wanted.
And then became something I hated.
And you get thought of every day.
And then not in a good way.
And you let me leave.
And then wish I'd stayed.
And you almost killed me.
But I didn't die.


This is another total repost from I Wrote This For You. Even the photo is inspired by the post. If you haven't ever checked out I Wrote This For You, go now. Read it. I am completely enamoured with it. Beautiful pictures. Proufound words. Truly beautiful. I've adored this particular post for quite some time now. I think the most incredible quality of I Wrote This For You is the ability of the authour to capture in words exactly what people are feeling. Sometimes you read one of the posts and your heart screams because it has just seen itself in the written word. This was one of those posts for me.

This picture is a couple of years old. I took it the last time I was out at Lake Wabamun. Obviously I've manipulated it a bit on the computer. I really like how it turned out though.

I love the places I ain't ever been to

Down in the Valley

The Head and the Heart

I wish a was a slave to an age-old trade

Like riding around on railcars

And working long days

Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways

Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways

Call it one drink to many

Call it pride of a man

It don't make no difference if you sit or you stand

They both end in trouble and start with a grin

They both end in trouble and start with a grin

We do it over and over and over again

We do it over and over and over again

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

I know there's California, Oklahoma

And all of the places I ain't ever been to

But down in the valley

With whiskey rivers

These are the places you will find me hiding

These are the places I will always go

These are the places I will always go

I am on my way

I am on my way

I am on my way back to where I started

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

One more for the stars and the eyes of the walls

I saw your face, I heard you calling out

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

I saw your face in the crowd and you came out

Just like the sun and the moon and the stars at night

There was a sign on the door and it reads to me

Just like the sun and the moon and the stars at night

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

I am on my way

I am on my way

I am on my way back to where I started

California, Oklahoma

I love the places I ain't ever been to

But down in the valley

With whiskey rivers

These are the places you will find me hiding

These are the places I will always go

These are the places I will always go

So I wish I was a slave to an age-old trade

Lord have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways

I have seriously been loving this song lately. It's by a band out of Seattle called The Head and the Heart. I am lusting after their CD right now. Such a great folk rock/pop sound and I adore the lead singer's voice. There is so much going on in this song that resonates with different parts of my life. Sometimes the idea of jumping on a train and taking off is so appealing. The feeling of actually going somewhere is one of my favourite sensations. It's why I love airports so much. I think my favourite line in the entire song though is "I love the places I ain't ever been to". This is so true for me. I fantasize about travelling or moving all the time. I have a deep affection for some places that I've only been to once, some places that I have never been to at all. In a way these places can be the places you always go, they can become the places you return to over and over again when you are in need of refuge, even if you never actually set foot on them. Sometimes just thinking about running away is enough.

I took this picture at the train yard near my school a couple of years ago. I should actually venture out there again and take some more photos. This is one perk of living in the industrial part of the city: there are some interesting spots to take photos. There is something romantic and nostalgic about trains that just lends itself to sepia photos and folksy songs.

Yes, I'm still alive

You know how sometimes life throws you curveballs? Well the past couple weeks it seems like that is all I've been getting. Sometimes curveballs just throw you off balance for a bit. Sometimes though they smack you in the face and you end up crumpled on the ground with a broken nose. Those are the kinds of curveballs I've been getting. Sorry about the lack of presence here, but I neither had the time nor the motivation to post anything. I tried a couple of times. I sat down at the computer and opened my photos and tried to find something to post. I actually wrote one, but it ended up sounding a little too depressed for me to want to post it. Perhaps I will put it up one day though. Anyway, I am hoping that I will be back to regularly scheduled programing on here now. This week is a bit nutso for me so I can't promise anything, but I am going to make a concerted effort to be back on here.

Anyway, I just wanted to take a second on here to thank the people that have made me laugh the past couple of weeks. Even though they were pretty rotten by and large there were moments where I laughed harder than I have in a long time. I've had classes of uproarious laughter, moments of complete ridiculousness in the student publications office, laughter over meals with my family...there have been some brilliant moments. So thank you for being the bright sunflowery spots in my rather disgusting weeks.

WARNING: FRAGILE

I am far more delicate than you can possibly imagine. You need to move slowly.

This is a blatent repost from I Wrote This For You. I adore that blog. And after the week I had last week this was just too perfect a sentiment to pass up.