Ambiance

I am obsessed with light. Although if you know me or read this blog on a regular basis you probably already know that. There is just so much light can do. The right lighting can change everything. I've been transfixed by various qualities of sunlight for the past several months. This may be because it is the dead of winter and therefore the number of hours with sunlight are precious few and I am longing for summer and its attendant light. However, I have forgotten lately that artificial light can actually be just as lovely. This is because I spend most of my time with artificial light in the form of annoying, buzzing overhead lights in the office or the tungsten lights in my room which keep me awake while doing homework. I've been reminded a couple of times in the past week or two that these are not the only forms of artificial light, and that artificial light is not always profoundly unfortunate. One such reminder came today when I walked into the publications office and Sharon had desk lamps on but the overhead lights off. I can't even explain how relaxing that felt. It was instant too. I walked in and could suddenly breathe. I walked out and the world landed back on my shoulders. That, my friends, is the magic of light.


This is a chandelier in a coffee shop in Toronto (the same one that this and this are from). This coffee shop is quite possibly one of my favourite places from my trip to Toronto. One day I will go back there. I adore chandeliers. One day, when I am successful and rich, I will have a chandelier in my dream home. Until then I will have to satisfy myself with enjoying them when I come across them and wandering through lighting sections in stores.

New Year's Eve Plans

Generally I do almost nothing for New Year's Eve. I am usually at my parents' house so my mom makes some snacks and we hang out and play board games. I'm not there this year though so a couple of my friends are coming over here and then we are...well...we have no idea what we are doing. We are all the "non-existant New Year's Eve plans" kind of people. We have come to discover that having three people who haven't made New Year's Eve plans in over twenty years attempt to plan anything to do on New Year's is kind of a bad idea. Oh well. We will come up with something.

If I had my druthers this picture describes somewhere that I think I would love to spend New Year's. The Rex in Toronto. I adore that place. So New Year's there? Yes, please.

All I want is everything

     Ella is looking at her oddly.
     "What's the matter, Morag?"
     "I - don't know. Sometimes I get - well, scared. I don't feel all that normal."
     Ella shrugs.
     "So - who wants to be normal, anyhow?"
     "I do," Morag says with passionate conviction. "Oh Ella, I do. I want to be able to talk to boys the way they want to be talked to. Only I can't seem to get the trick of it."
     "Boys like that are schmucks," Ella says furiously. "But yeh, I know what you mean."
     "You too?"
     "Yeh. I went out with this guy a coupla weeks ago, and I thought Now this is It. Here is your opportunity, oh Ella bella. So what did Ella the schlemiel do? Did she tell him how masterful and handsome he was? Not she. Oh no. She began talking in her winsome way about Marx's theory of polarity. Why? Why? I'll never see him again."
     "Well, then, why?" Morag is laughing, but not in mockery.
     "I don't know," Ella says gloomily. "It just seemed so phoney, somehow, all that whole mutual flattery bit. And why should I pretend to be brainless? I"m not brainless."
     "I know," Morag says. "And yet I envy girls like Susie Trevor so much that I damn near hate them. I want to be glamorous and adored and get married and have kids. I still try to kid myself that I don't want that. But I do. I want all that. As well. All I want is everything."
     Ella strikes a theatrical wrist to her forehead. "Engrave it on my tombstone."
(Margaret Laurence The Diviners 210-1)

I'm working my way through The Diviners right now and absolutely loving it. I've had a bit of a prejudice against Margaret Laurence because of The Stone Angel. I dislike that book. Because I've had unfortunate experiences with it the two times I have studied it I kind of swore off of Margaret Laurence. I know that this is a bad policy as an English major, but I tend to subscribe to it nonetheless. Thus, when I got my reading list for the novel course I'm taking and The Diviners was on it I groaned inwardly. However, I am rapidly falling in love with this book. It is incredible. I came across this section today and couldn't help but laugh. Morag and Ella are about 20 when they have this particular conversation, so they're not that much younger than I am now. It just captures how I feel so perfectly. One moment I am so glad that I am single and have the freedom to pursue whatever I want, wherever I want. But then something happens (usually it's when someone I know gets engaged or celebrates and anniversary or has their significant other do something really sweet for them when they are having a bad day) and I feel like I am missing out on so much. It's annoying as all get out. However, I think it is kind of the curse of the ambitious woman. As much as we like to think that women can now have it all, it is hard. And yet, I still want everything. In moments of frustration I say with Morag, "All I want is everything," and reply with Ella, "Engrave it on my tombstone."

The picture is from the same coffee shop in Toronto as the coffee I posted a few days ago. I was sitting there by myself in this sea of tables and was totally okay with it. In fact, I felt like taking a picture of it. At other points in my life I would not have been okay with that. Although I probably would still have taken a picture. I like that this picture seems to capture that sense of waiting for someone.

Coffee and Cigarettes

Coffee and Cigarettes

Michelle Featherstone

I gave up coffee and cigarettes

I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet

I thought my problems would just dissipate

And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain

And watched my bad habits get flushed away

I thought that that would keep my head on straight

And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true

I'm still blue

But I finally know what to do

I must quit

I must quit you

I thought that if I didn't go out and play

The sadness would get bored and go away

I thought that if I didn't go astray

That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true

I'm still blue

But I finally know what to do

I must quit

I must quit you

I sold my guitar and my piano

I thought that it was these that kept me low

I thought if only I could try and change

That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true

I'm still blue

But I finally know what to do

I must quit

I must quit you

I must quit

I must quit you

I just discovered Michelle Featherstone's album Fallen Down last week and I am in love with her melancholy, beautifully written and sung songs. This song in particular is just incredible. I've had a long and exhausting week which has left me in a rather low state of mind. Or rather, it has left me bouncing between the extremes of laughing my head off and bawling my eyes out. (Isn't it odd how both of those phrases involve bodily injury?) Anyway, this song just suited my mood and a conversation I was having with my best friend. Not that I need to quit my best friend. That would just be silly. It's just interesting how desperately I hang on to bad habits or relationships that cause nothing but drama and injury to my heart. I guess it's just that I would rather be dealing with familiar pain than risk unknown difficulties. I tend to be that person though who hangs on to things way longer than I should, way longer than I need to, and way longer than is healthy. I don't mean this to be a huge "my life is a disaster" post, because it certainly isn't. Just saying that there are some things in my life I might be better off without. Quitting is hard though.

I took this picture in Toronto a year and half ago or so. I adore it and have been waiting for the right moment to post it. When this song came on on my itunes tonight this was the exact picture I thought of and I knew that I had my blog post for tonight.

Literary Aspirations

I spent my afternoon holed up in Steeps writing away. It was actually an incredibly productive afternoon. I finished a scholarship application essay (which, in case you were wondering, are not fun to write) and got first drafts of a couple of other pieces finished. I'm staying fairly quiet about what these other pieces are for though, so if you are not one of the select few I have already explained this endeavour to then, I'm sorry, but you will just have to wait it out. If things pan out as I hope then I will enlighten all of you. Right now I don't want to jinx anything by getting my hopes up too much.

Steeps is one of my favorite places in the city. Tasty tea, a great atmosphere, local art on the walls, open mic nights and showcases for local musicians...what more could you ask for? I find that I'm almost always productive there too, which is a big change from sitting in my room at home or in the dorm. Unfortunately it is a bit of a hike from either the house or the apartment (since it's about halfway between the two) and so I have to motivate myself to get down there. I never regret it when I do though. It's a great place for everything from hanging out with friends to paper writing to cram sessions. If you live in Edmonton and haven't yet checked out this gem then you definitely should. And you should tell me when you're going. I'll come. I'll even pay.

This picture isn't from today. This was not the type of writing I was doing today. This stuff here is songwriting. Most people don't know that I write songs because I never ever share them with people (in fact, I think Lisa and Vicki may be the only two people I've ever intentionally played for), but I do. And when I write and the words don't conform to a melody I often turn them into a poem. Again, something I usually don't share. Anyway, that is why today was different. Today was essays and articles, so it didn't look like this. Wow, ramble much? I took this picture while I was in Toronto about a year and a half ago. I had a day to myself that I spent wandering around downtown Toronto and one of the stops I made was for lunch at The Rex. I had gone there the night before with Erin and one of her friends and absolutely adored it so I decided to hit it up for lunch the next day. Since I was out by myself I stopped at a stationary story and picked up a notebook and some pens so that I could spend some time writing. It was a rather enjoyable lunch stop actually.

Advertising

Sorry, this is kind of a lame post. But it's getting late and I'm feeling profoundly uncreative. We were talking about pop art and modern advertising in art history tonight, so here is a lovely picture of a billboard in Toronto. I think it's kind of cool.

Art

The new Art Gallery of Alberta (www.youraga.ca) building opened at the end of January and since I am a bit of an art nut I was pretty excited to go and check it out. I finally made it out this afternoon with a bunch of people from my literary theory class. And it was DEFINITELY worth it. The building itself has caused a bit of controversy and I'm not really sure I like how it looks. Sometimes I think it's cool and other times I just think it's weird. But, from the inside it is pretty sweet. The stairs between level are inside the swoopy (very technical term) bits of the building so it looks pretty sweet inside. They don't have their permanent collections out yet, but the current exhibits are pretty awesome: Degas (his "Two Dancers" is probably my favorite piece of artwork), Goya, Karsh (who must have had an incredible life since he met so many famous people through his work as a portrait photographer), and a couple of installation pieces by Janet Cardiff and George Bures Miller ("Storm Room" and "The Murder of Crows", both of which are really cool but thouroughly creeped me out). All in all it was an absolutely lovely way to spend an afternoon.

So, since I'm thinking about art I was trying to find a picture that related to this somehow and I remembered these posters that were in a coffee shop in Toronto. Now, this is a pretty amazing coffee shop in the Distillery District of Toronto (which, by the way, is probably my dream address should I ever move to Toronto). They have all of these really old ads for coffee companies that are pretty awesome. I spent forever just staring at them. This particular image is of the wall and most of the poster that was just above the table I was sitting at the first time I went there. The space just lent itself to sepia tone photography. I love the industrial feeling of the exposed brick and metal light fixtures and (although you can't see it in this picture) exposed duct work in the ceiling. Anyway, I think that these posters qualify as art. The idea of what constitutes art intrigues me because I think it is really difficult to define. I'll spare you my ramblings on this subject for now. I'm always up for a good conversation about such topics though.