All I want is everything

     Ella is looking at her oddly.
     "What's the matter, Morag?"
     "I - don't know. Sometimes I get - well, scared. I don't feel all that normal."
     Ella shrugs.
     "So - who wants to be normal, anyhow?"
     "I do," Morag says with passionate conviction. "Oh Ella, I do. I want to be able to talk to boys the way they want to be talked to. Only I can't seem to get the trick of it."
     "Boys like that are schmucks," Ella says furiously. "But yeh, I know what you mean."
     "You too?"
     "Yeh. I went out with this guy a coupla weeks ago, and I thought Now this is It. Here is your opportunity, oh Ella bella. So what did Ella the schlemiel do? Did she tell him how masterful and handsome he was? Not she. Oh no. She began talking in her winsome way about Marx's theory of polarity. Why? Why? I'll never see him again."
     "Well, then, why?" Morag is laughing, but not in mockery.
     "I don't know," Ella says gloomily. "It just seemed so phoney, somehow, all that whole mutual flattery bit. And why should I pretend to be brainless? I"m not brainless."
     "I know," Morag says. "And yet I envy girls like Susie Trevor so much that I damn near hate them. I want to be glamorous and adored and get married and have kids. I still try to kid myself that I don't want that. But I do. I want all that. As well. All I want is everything."
     Ella strikes a theatrical wrist to her forehead. "Engrave it on my tombstone."
(Margaret Laurence The Diviners 210-1)

I'm working my way through The Diviners right now and absolutely loving it. I've had a bit of a prejudice against Margaret Laurence because of The Stone Angel. I dislike that book. Because I've had unfortunate experiences with it the two times I have studied it I kind of swore off of Margaret Laurence. I know that this is a bad policy as an English major, but I tend to subscribe to it nonetheless. Thus, when I got my reading list for the novel course I'm taking and The Diviners was on it I groaned inwardly. However, I am rapidly falling in love with this book. It is incredible. I came across this section today and couldn't help but laugh. Morag and Ella are about 20 when they have this particular conversation, so they're not that much younger than I am now. It just captures how I feel so perfectly. One moment I am so glad that I am single and have the freedom to pursue whatever I want, wherever I want. But then something happens (usually it's when someone I know gets engaged or celebrates and anniversary or has their significant other do something really sweet for them when they are having a bad day) and I feel like I am missing out on so much. It's annoying as all get out. However, I think it is kind of the curse of the ambitious woman. As much as we like to think that women can now have it all, it is hard. And yet, I still want everything. In moments of frustration I say with Morag, "All I want is everything," and reply with Ella, "Engrave it on my tombstone."

The picture is from the same coffee shop in Toronto as the coffee I posted a few days ago. I was sitting there by myself in this sea of tables and was totally okay with it. In fact, I felt like taking a picture of it. At other points in my life I would not have been okay with that. Although I probably would still have taken a picture. I like that this picture seems to capture that sense of waiting for someone.