Snowed In

The other day, after I had finished my exams, Bean pointed out that it was odd to see me looking so relaxed. I laughed because I knew how true that statement was. But a part of me was saddened by this statement. Do I really want to be known as the person who is always stressed? The one who walks around with a facial expression that indicates that the sky is falling?

Later, I told her that I'm really not sure how to function when I'm not panicking. I start to panic about the fact that I'm not panicking. My thoughts run something like this: "I'm not freaking out. Why am I not freaking out. I should be freaking out. I must be forgetting something that I should be freaking out about. What did I forget? WHAT did I forget? I must be forgetting something. I can't not be freaking out about anything..." And before I know it I have worked myself into a commendable panic over the fact that I am not panicking. The whole thing is rather ridiculous.

Yesterday it snowed. And I mean SNOWED. And it quite literally forced me to just stop and do nothing. I braved the weather in the morning to get to an optometrist appointment, but once I made it home there was no way I was going back out unless someone near and dear to me had an absolute emergency. I bailed on a Christmas get-together. I stayed home. And I was forced to do nothing. I started reading a book for my directed study course and taking notes on it when suddenly this voice in my head said "You're that girl again. The one who is always working. Take a breath." Let me tell you, I struggled. I tried to watch TV and nothing was on. Instead I put up the little Christmas tree in the basement. I caught up on some blog reading. I watched a show this evening with my parents (Sing Off, which you should check out if you haven't). I shovelled the sidewalk. It's weird, this emptiness. It's like there is a giant void in my head. Outside the world is buried in white blankets and I feel like that is what the inside of my brain looks like too. Just blank. I can't decide how I feel about this.