Last night when I got back into Edmonton I had a bit of a meltdown. I honestly don't think I've ever had such a hard time leaving somewhere. At first I was distracted by the airport and all of its fabulousness. Then there was the excitement of settling into the plane and taxing and takeoff. (Airports and planes sometimes feel like home to me, that is how much I love them.) But as we flew away from Calgary I experienced a physical ache. I did not want to be leaving. More than that, I did not want to be going back to...well, here. I love my school. It is amazing. I have finally come to feel like I have a community that I am a part of here and I am beyond sad to be leaving it. But there was this physical ache in my heart as the plane flew through the sky. And it just got worse and worse as Gabby drove me home from the airport. Finally, when I got back to my room, which looked like a bomb went off because I've been writing papers for weeks now and therefore haven't been cleaning at all, I just collapsed into tears. I just didn't want to be there, in that room, with all the mess and the stress of finals and everything. I struggle every year at this time to remember why I love school, why I am doing this. I never think I will make it through. I always do. I need to be reminded of that though. There are a few people in my life who can look at me this time of year and somehow know exactly what to say. I appreciate them immensely. Last night though I was so far gone that even Gabby's reminder that I don't actually hate school, I just hate finals, and that I will get through this, even her countless hugs were not enough to pull me out of my wallowing. So I cried. And then I took a shower and crawled into bed. And you know what? Today I feel much better. Still overwhelmed. Still stressed. But despite the fact that a giant muddy puddle ate my shoe and I just couldn't get myself organized for the first half of the day, I still looked out my window tonight and smiled at the gorgeous sunset. Sometimes I think I just need a meltdown. I almost always feel better after one.
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