When all the noise fades away

Friends. Coffee. Sunshine. Work. Good news. The past three days have simply been good. And that is something I haven't been able to say as frequently as I would like lately, so it has been extra delightful for all of the noise in my life to fade away for a bit so that I could just enjoy myself.

Hazy, Lazy, Crazy Days

I'm kind of over summer. I want to wear sweaters, and flannel, and pants. This  happens every year at this time. I'm such an autumn addict that I always long for it before it is really seasonally appropriate to do so. I am also like this with Christmas.

However, if I must be subjected to summer for an appropriate length of time (at least according to some people), I would like it to look like this. A lake, and a book, and a dog, and some friends, and a camera. We escaped from the responsibilities of theses for an hour or two yesterday afternoon, and I got this shot. I love it. When I think of late summer, this is the kind of sun-soaked, hazy image I come up with.

Well hello, long weekend!

I am currently listening to the soundtrack from Smash and getting ready to meet up with a couple friends to sip beers on a patio in the sunshine. I think this long weekend is off to a rather excellent start.

Taste of Summer

It has basically been summer here the last couple of days. Today I got my latte iced and it was delightful.

Vanishing Points

Maybe we are all moving toward our own personal vanishing points.

This implies a moment of dissolution, of being lost. It implies incompletion, the impossibility of finitude. It implies forward motion. And it's the motion that I'm beginning to think is important rather than the being found or complete.

Light limited, light specific, light like a name

from "Lake of Two Rivers"
Anne Michaels

     3

Sensate weather, we are your body,
your memory. Like a template,
branch defines sky, leaves
bleed their gritty boundaries,
corrosive with nostalgia.

Each year we go outside to pin it down,
light limited, light specific,
light like a name.


Like any good academic, I have moments where school just isn't my favourite thing in the world. This blog is certainly a record of that, if of nothing else. Right now I'm working on my thesis. I have to hand in a chapter by Saturday, which is incredibly daunting and stressful if I think about it too long, but is also thrilling and exciting. Right now I'm working on my chapter on Anne Michaels, which means that I've been spending my time immersed in her magnificent poetry. The particular little excerpt from "Lake of Two Rivers" is particularly relevant for my thesis topic. And it captures a little bit of how I feel about light and nature and photography. Plus it is just blindingly gorgeous. On top of this I've been reading essays by Anne Simpson and Jan Zwicky to use as critical material in the chapter. It is moments like this that I feel profoundly blessed to be doing what I am doing. It is moments like this that I seriously contemplate taking a PhD because I don't know what else I could possibly be doing with my life.

The way to fairyland

There is such a place as fairyland - but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth, they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland. -- L.M. Montgomery

I love this idea. If you read this blog on a regular basis you've probably figured out that I'm rather fond of the idea of fairies and magic. After all, one of my all-time favourite books is J.M. Barrie's Peter and Wendy, and Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens is also way up there, so you can't really expect anything else. This is one of those little things that helps make me who I am, but that I avoid talking about with most people. It tends to make you sound like you're six if you start talking about how cool fairies are. So I would like to thank L.M. Montgomery for validating my affection for all things magical. And for reminding me that I'm not a totally bitter curmudgeon just yet.

Context

It seems strange that only a few weeks ago I was spending my days drinking coffee and reading while basking in the sun. There's still coffee. And reading. And sun. It just doesn't seem nearly as enjoyable. It's funny what a little change in context will do.

Eastern Bound

Turn Back Around
Lucy Schwartz

Show me the world in the shape of your looking glass
Beautifully bold when the colours unfold
Yes it's easy to see but it's harder to find
That I'm thinking of you and it's clear in my mind

So I turn turn turn
I turn back around
Turn turn turn
I turn back around
And I'm eastern bound

Almost let slip all these words at my fingertips
Still unaware of pen in my hand
But I'm making my way day by day coming back to you
Here unafraid of the path that I choose

So I turn turn turn
I turn back around
Turn turn turn
I turn back around
And I'm eastern bound

Turn turn turn
I turn back around
Turn turn turn
I turn back around
Yes I turn turn turn
I turn back around
(Eastern bound)
Turn turn turn
Turn back around
(Back to you)


So, this song is kind of my theme right now. See, in about 9 hours my plane leaves for Nova Scotia. So I am, in a very real sense, eastern bound. I don't know what my internet situation is going to be like for the next few days, but I will be back on here as soon as possible.

Ps. This is also the song that my blog title comes from, in case you didn't guess.

Dear Sunglasses

Dear Sunglasses,

Thanks for instantly making me feel like a rockstar every time I put you on. I can't think of any other accessory I own that has that effect. It doesn't matter what I'm wearing or what state my hair is in, you always make me feel way cooler than I actually am. You put a swagger in my step that isn't normally there and I like it. Thanks for also being a really effective way to hide the dark eye circles of sleep deprivation, the red puffy eyes of crying, and the eyes without makeup of lazy days, hot days, and late days. You are like the superhero of accessories.

Keep up the awesome work,

Bree


*full disclosure: format of this post totally inspired by thxthxthx

A Simple Thing

Life has been giving me a headache lately. I have way too many things on my plate. My brain is constantly spinning in these tiny obsessive circles. Whenever I am doing anything I am also thinking about (and sometimes attempting to actually do) at least three other things. It's like having a wild animal trapped in my head. He's trapped in there and getting panicky because he can't find a way out. So he just keeps throwing things around, knocking stuff over, making me panicky right along with him. I am feeling un-grounded. I am cursing the law that seems to exist right along with gravity that everything must happen at once. Things can never come at a sane, slow pace. Instead they pile up on top of each other like a bad crash on the highway. And I'm pinned in the middle of all of them.

So, as my life begins to get out of control it was nice to come home on Monday to two new perfumes. Something so simple, but it was like taking a deep breath of air. I can't use alcohol-based fragrances because they give me major headaches, but I found MCMC Fragrances and fell in love with their organic oil-based roll-on perfumes. They are exquisite. The one on the right in this picture, Maine, is my go-to perfume. It's salty and subtly grassy. It smells like sea and dried beach scrub. It makes me think of being in a seaside cabin. I adore it. I just got Hunter and Kept, but I'm already madly in love with them. Hunter is woodsy and outdoorsy. It's masculine (a quality that all of my perfumes must have) and, as the website describes it, is "best if worn with a flannel shirt" - and I seriously love flannel shirts. Kept is a little bit girlier than the other two since it's red rose based. But this is balanced out beautifully by black tea, leather, clove and amber and it ends up being this really rock and roll, tough but sweet girl kind of fragrance. Perfume is a small thing, but it is beautiful. I like looking at it, I like smelling it, I like how it makes me feel special and beautiful when I wear it. I'm big on surrounding myself with beauty and in the midst of my swirling vortex of craziness, I was glad to find something beautiful to hold onto.

Smells Like Summer

My new perfume? Bug spray and sunscreen. I smell like summer!

Just got back from a picnic and hang out session with the girls. So excellent. And fortunately, bug spray and sunscreen smells are not as pervasive as campfire, so once I shower no one will know the difference.

The vivacity of one of those moments would burn us

from "A Tale of Two Gardens"
Octavio Paz

A house, a garden,
                           are not places:
they spin, they come and go.
                                        Their apparations open
another space
                    in space,
another time in time.
                             Their eclipses
are not abdications:
the vivacity of one of those moments
                                                   would burn us
if it lasted a moment more.
                                      We are condemned
to kill time:
                so we die,
little by little.
                  A garden is not a place.
Down a path of reddish sand, 
we enter a drop of water,
drink green clarities from its center,
we climb
            the spiral of hours
to the tip of the day,
                             descend
to the last burning of its ember.
Mumbling river,
                      the garden flows through the night.


I mark the changing of the seasons by these trees, but my absolute favourite time is when the bloom in the spring. The flowers never last very long because the first good gust of wind blows the petals off the trees and creates what my mom likes to call an impromptu wedding in our backyard. The other morning, a couple of days after I took this picture, I actually looked out the window and thought it was snowing because all of the petals were raining down. The weather is a bit gloomy right now, so I thought that sharing something simple and beautiful and summery was a good idea.

I love the opening of this poem. Octavio Paz writes truly stunning poems. The idea of gardens being loci for nostalgia is wonderful and enchanting. They are no longer places but time itself in some way. They capture moments and feelings and then unleash them on you when you return. I think any place is like that, imprinted by the past, imbued with memory. Objects, places hold history within themselves. Not just our personal memories either. I always feel as if locations and objects hold historical memories. Perhaps this is why old buildings or vintage objects are so fascinating. They hold countless stories. And perhaps this is also why sometimes it is nice to have something brand new, something that is blank, that has the room for you to create your own memories without becoming mixed up in those that came before you. I've never had a garden like that, but I can imagine one. It's really lovely to think about.

A little nervous breakdown can really work wonders for a girl

Last night when I got back into Edmonton I had a bit of a meltdown. I honestly don't think I've ever had such a hard time leaving somewhere. At first I was distracted by the airport and all of its fabulousness. Then there was the excitement of settling into the plane and taxing and takeoff. (Airports and planes sometimes feel like home to me, that is how much I love them.) But as we flew away from Calgary I experienced a physical ache. I did not want to be leaving. More than that, I did not want to be going back to...well, here. I love my school. It is amazing. I have finally come to feel like I have a community that I am a part of here and I am beyond sad to be leaving it. But there was this physical ache in my heart as the plane flew through the sky. And it just got worse and worse as Gabby drove me home from the airport. Finally, when I got back to my room, which looked like a bomb went off because I've been writing papers for weeks now and therefore haven't been cleaning at all, I just collapsed into tears. I just didn't want to be there, in that room, with all the mess and the stress of finals and everything. I struggle every year at this time to remember why I love school, why I am doing this. I never think I will make it through. I always do. I need to be reminded of that though. There are a few people in my life who can look at me this time of year and somehow know exactly what to say. I appreciate them immensely. Last night though I was so far gone that even Gabby's reminder that I don't actually hate school, I just hate finals, and that I will get through this, even her countless hugs were not enough to pull me out of my wallowing. So I cried. And then I took a shower and crawled into bed. And you know what? Today I feel much better. Still overwhelmed. Still stressed. But despite the fact that a giant muddy puddle ate my shoe and I just couldn't get myself organized for the first half of the day, I still looked out my window tonight and smiled at the gorgeous sunset. Sometimes I think I just need a meltdown. I almost always feel better after one.

A Cat in the Sun

It's the end of semester rush. Everyone is running around writing papers, giving presentations and beginning to stress about impending exams. This point in the semester unfortunately also coincides with the long-awaited emergence of spring. It is still tenuous since we live in Edmonton and the possibility of snow looms until just about July, but it has been lovely lately. Sadly, I spend my days sitting in a windowless office and windowless classrooms. Although it's productive it is not exactly what I would like to be doing. I come back to the apartment at lunch and find our living room bathed in sunlight. All I want to do is curl up in the sunshine and sleep, as if I was a cat. Alas, I must tear myself away and return to the windowless land of academia.

It's like a snowstorm in here. It's all white and empty.

I've been reading lit theory all day as part of my research for a paper. This is the kind of day that feels endless. By 8:30 I was ready to go to sleep. As a result of all this reading my brain is feeling rather shot, so when I went to post something on here my thought process went like this: "Uhm....uhm..." and then there was nothing. Absolutely nothing. This nothingness however served as inspiration enough. I went hunting through my photos for something kind of blank and came up with this. I actually really like this shot. Probably because I'm a sucker for light. The nothingness in my brain also made me think of this line from Gilmore Girls where Rory is freaking out about an interview and she says "And nothing. It's a blank. It's like a snowstorm in here. It's all white and empty." That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. Just blank. There has been so much information crammed into my head and yet it is as if there is nothing in there. So, despite the nothingness I managed to come up with a picture I'm fond of and a title I enjoy. Tonight, I will consider that mission accomplished.

Just Give Me a Sign

I am someone who is constantly asking for signs. I am Gideon asking for sign after sign, never satisfied. Well, I feel like I've been continually confronted with small signs over the past week or so. No two-by-fours to the head, which is usually how God has to get my attention, but a slow and steady build-up of things pointing me in a certain direction. The signs are there. I just need to work up the courage to follow them.

Smiling anyway

First, I would like to apologize for two things blog related. I am sorry my posts have been rather sporadic lately. The last week was crazy. This week doesn't look any better. In fact, February is pretty much just nutso. Additionally I haven't exactly been feeling like I have anything to share. Most days it has been an effort just to haul myself out of bed and make my way through the day, so by the time I sit down to stare at a new blog post I am usually drained of any ounce of creativity or thought. Which brings me to the second thing I am sorry for. I am sorry that this blog has been so Debbie-Downer-ish lately. That's just the headspace I've been operating in and I find it difficult to be less than honest here. Perhaps it is because it is my art, and art, I find, seldom lies about my mental state. I can smile all day long, but if something is bothering me it will inevitably come out in my creative endeavours.

In an effort to balance out this and this here is a list of 10 things that are making me happy lately.

1. The flowers that my dad bought me a couple weeks ago and are still alive. (I took this photo of them a while ago on an exquisite morning of sunshine, tea and French music.)
2. Tonight's sunset. It was gorgeous. An intense golden sun and the perfect blue/yellow/pink watercolour sky.
3. Pictures of tiny kittens.
4. Professors who genuinely care about me.
5. Conversations with my best friend. Even if they are via text message.
6. Fried mushrooms.
7. Fantasy shopping for furniture/accessories for wherever I end up living next year.
8. Blackberry Vanilla Lipton tea.
9. The fact that I finally feel like I fit in with the guys at work.
10. Watching the latest episode of Greek.

Magical Evening Sunlight

Longing, lusting, craving, yearning, jonesing, craving...whatever you want to call it, I've got it. If you have been following my tumblr at all you have probably noticed that lately I have been captivated by sunlight. Actually, if you have been following this blog for any length of time you probably know about my obsession with light in all forms. Lately though I've really been craving sunlight. It's actually been rather nice weather-wise the last couple of weeks, but the light in winter just isn't cutting it for me. I need the warm, golden sun of summer and fall. The magical evening sunlight. I miss it. I want it back.

This picture is from back in September and pretty much captures the kind of light I want right now. I suppose I'll have to make do with the pale winter sunlight for now though. Not that it isn't pretty. It's just not what I want.

Crystalline Moment

I spent my Sunday morning sitting at my desk with sunlight coming in my window and mums in a vase beside me, drinking new kinds of tea, eating strawberries, reading poetry (assigned poetry, but poetry nonetheless) and listening to Edith Piaf. It was lovely. I was productive this weekend on the homework front, but I just kind of took things slowly. I feel like I was just recharging my soul before heading into the next couple of weeks. They are the kind of weeks where there is nothing for it except to take a deep breath, brace yourself and dive in head first. But this morning was a lovely respite from the frustrations of my life last week and the impending challenges of my life this week. I actually felt calm, a rare sensation for me, and as if I had the space to simply breathe. It was this perfect, crystalline moment. Hours wrapped up in a bubble and suspended in the midst of an otherwise unpleasant scene.