In Search of Rest

Five Breaks
Margaret Avison

        I

Top-spun, swiftly
paid out,
you flung me, dancing, humming:
      'Joy it is
      to ride the day,
      lest that one toy with
      God's play.'
The stranger motif here
stunned my now dizzying ear,
and stilled, I lay
toppled and listening.


       II

No one at slack but
jerking guy-ropes or (Look out!)
lash-tackle will
entangle.
Rope-burned, wind-sifted,
praising the Stranger courage and
barrenlands beauty,
strong in your buffeting, I
stood, speed-blind, among
your synchronizing glories.


       III

O, then, a careful face
shone bare. In your
held breath, new pinpointed - 
were they besiegers' eye-prongs circling
as though a City's famine could be succulence?
I swellingly knew
the aliens, close: all the
my-mind versions of your glory
(like seeing death life, as your
memoranda left on the blotter
for my day's work; like 
chronologies - of 'mercies' - these,
these, as if exacted; like
feeling the flesh as tomb
stoned by its own
funereal pieties,
braced for rotting geologies of endurance - 
and after that for grubbing,
engine-heat, the
firebird cycle...)


       IV

Valentine cards
in the February lace of daylight
through window and doorway glass:
store; children; love; a lakeblue sudsbright
eleven o'clock outdoors, seen too
by the scorched eyes of grief,
the gravelled eyes of
utter disappointment, these
zero in the 
arrowing sunburst, cone-tip, the
transfixing life.


       V

Your tireless rise, your daybreak,
O, here, touch home.


I wrote not long ago about how I haven't been sleeping well. I have discovered one thing that helps though: poetry. If I crawl into bed with a book of poetry and delve into it, just allowing myself to soak in it, I can actually feel myself physically relax. Some of the tension drains from my shoulders, my thoughts stop spinning in obsessive, downward spirals, I breathe a little bit deeper and, after a while, I can actually sleep. Sadly this does nothing for the length of my sleep since I have to stay up to do the reading, but it has helped the quality of my sleep. And more than that, it is helping me feel sane. A small miracle if you ask me.

Please, can I get back on the bus?

"I have never seen someone who can sleep so well on a bus before. You just get on and, wham, conk out."
"It's because I'm moving, so I feel safe."
Long pause.
"Wow, you're getting all psychological on us."

This was a breakfast table conversation amongst a group of us who were billeted out together on the first night of tour. It was really early at the time so it didn't really develop into a serious discussion, but the idea of feeling safe while moving has stuck with me since then. To be honest, tour busses are uncomfortable. After sitting for that long you start to get restless. I find it difficult to sleep on them. And yet since getting home every single day I've been wishing I was back on the bus. This confused me. Hadn't I just spent five days saying I wished we didn't have to spend so much time on a bus? I was less anxious to get off than some people since I like road trips, but I was definitely finding it a bit ridiculous by the end. I realized the other day though that this sense of safety in motion is why I want to be back on the bus. Those of us at the back of the bus became a little family of sorts. I was comfortable there, I felt safe amongst those people, and I was moving, I was going somewhere, which combated the all-too-frequent sensation of stagnation I get in my life. I just want to get back on the bus.

Softly, calmly, immensity taps at your life

Tree
Jane Hirshfield

It is foolish
to let a young redwood
grow next to a house.

Even in this 
one lifetime,
you will have to choose.

That great calm being,
This clutter of soup pots and books -

Already the first branch-tips brush at the window.
Softly, calmly, immensity taps at your life.


I am horrible at decision-making. Always have been. Now I'm confronted with the immensity of my future. I'm struggling to feel like I'm making the right choice. And people telling me to listen to my heart, trust my gut and follow my instincts are not helping because my heart seems to be the root of the problem. It's flighty, refusing to settle on one single thing. In one moment I will think I know exactly what I want and then 10 minutes later I'm certain I want the opposite and then 10 minutes later I want neither of those things. I want it all. That's where this picture fits in, the intertwining of grasses is what I want but can't have. I'm petrified that I will make the wrong choice. I'm scared of regret. I'm beyond blessed to have options, but sometimes all I want to do is scream.

Bibliophilic Delight

bibliophile (n)
a person who collects or has a great love of books

My name is Breanna and I am a bibliophile.

I seriously adore books. Particularly old books. In fact, for quite some time now I've been craving a trip to The Wee Book Inn in order to wander through their top floor and explore all the old books up there. There is just something profoundly beautiful about old books and the sensation of being surrounded by them is something I've been longing for. This afternoon my grandmother took me to her friend's house where I was allowed to peruse this woman's collection of old books and take a bunch home with me. It pretty much filled all of my bibliophilic fantasies as of late. Beautiful volumes dating from the late 1880s. Poetry and novels, embossed covers and leather bindings. There are even tiny margin notes in a lot of them. Delightful.

What book would you die by?

One morning with nothing to do but wait for lunch, we sat in the long grass and discussed Aunt Bett's brother, Uncle Victor. For some reason he held a morbid  fascination for us, and it was usually Owen who started us off.

     Avery imitated the haughty angle of Owen's head.

     'They say he died when a book fell off his library shelf and knocked him senseless.'

     'What book was it?' I asked him.

     Owen sighed disdainfully.

     'Who cares,' he said. 'That's not the point, is it?'

     Owen, Avery explained, was disturbed that a man who had survived being a soldier in the Great War could die so unheroically.

     'It certainly is the point,' I argued. 'What book would you choose to die by?'

     There was a moment's silence while we all contemplated this question.

     'The Bible, I suppose,' said Tom.

     'Oh, don't be so melodramatic,' said Owen.

     'I'd choose Browning's Portuguese Sonnets,' said Nina.

     'Not thick enough,' I said.

     Then we heard my mother calling and as usual Owen, being the eldest by almost eight years, had the last word.

     'I'd choose Grey's Anatomy or a medical encyclopedia, just in case there was a slim chance of resuscitating me...'

(Anne Michaels, The Winter Vault)

So, what book would you choose to die by?

Hit the road, Jack

Well, in just under 9 hours I will be hitting the road in the pre-dawn darkness as choir tour kicks off. I'm actually pretty excited. I'll be gone for the next 5 days and there won't be anything new on here. If you are feeling really deprived and are missing my virtual presence, why not check out wander through the archives?

Rockstar

"See! You really ARE a rockstar!!!" - Bean

I got some really fantastic news today. FAN-TAS-TIC. And it is making me feel really good about myself. My face actually hurts because I've been smiling so much. I'll share details when I know what I'm doing. Right now, I am content to simply bask in the excitement.

Bean's comment made me feel so good that it inspired my blog post. This is my little (er, okay, not so little) basket of accessories. Sunnies, necklaces, bracelets. I figured that any good rockstar would have a collection of sunglasses and statement necklaces, so this seemed like an appropriate photo choice.

Moon River

Moon River
Audrey Hepburn

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style some day
Oh dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're going I'm going your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see
We're after the same rainbow's end
Waiting 'round the bend
My huckleberry friend
Moon river and me


Happy Valentine's Day! Normally I hate this holiday. I get my good bitter-single-girl-who-can't-even-eat-chocolate attitude on and mope. For some reason this year though it's been good. I mean, I spent my day editing a paper, going to class, and reading for another paper. But the Valentine-y stuff wasn't bothering me this year. In fact, I kind of found it downright sweet. Perhaps it is a side-effect of consciously surrounding myself with beauty and remaining open to beauty and love as concepts. The campus coffee shop was playing Valentine's Day type music and while I was waiting in line "Moon River" came on. This is one of my all time favourite songs. I think it would make a fantastic first dance song (yes, I'm a girl, I think about these things). Anyway, as soon as I heard it I remembered this picture that I took on my walk through the river valley this past fall. We were wandering across the footbridge and paused to look out over the water when I noticed this graffiti. I thought it was so sweet, and honestly, every time I see this photo my heart smiles a little bit. So there you have it, two things that have made me melt a little bit. I hope that your day was characterized by love in whatever form it takes in your life, be it family, friends, or a significant other.

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

Your Ex-Lover is Dead
Stars

When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said "Yes, I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour

Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
All of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
You tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love

Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back
Live through this and you won't look back

There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save


This song is beautiful. It's tenuously related to some stuff in my life right now, especially the last verse, but more than anything I just think it is hauntingly beautiful. I came across this photo and the opening line, "When there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire," popped into my head. Not that I'm setting myself on fire lately, but I do feel a bit like I'm running around with my hair on fire. I've just been so busy. Stopping is not an option. It's like my life is on fire and I'm running with the flames licking at my heels just trying not to get burned. There's more I could say about this particular phrase, but I think I will save it for another post.

I took this picture for the school paper last semester. They were running an "art montage" so I spent an afternoon photographing all of the student artwork that was on display around campus. It was actually a pretty sweet assignment. I really liked this piece. It's just such a perfect representation of how I feel for most of each semester. I realize that none of this seems connected - student artwork, Stars, stress, photography - but, trust me, in my head the connections are very clear. All you need to do is look at the photo and then listen to the song.

The Love of Coffee Shops

I love a good coffee shop. The music that walks the line between jazzy and hipster, the smell of coffee, the din of conversation punctuated by loud exclamations of delight or disdain, the overheard relationship drama, the variety of people, the random comments from people about my massive stacks of books on [insert appropriate paper topic here]...there is simply a vibe that a good coffee shop gives off that I can't explain but still adore. If you ask me what I would like to do I will likely answer that I would like to go sit in a coffee shop and talk. This is something I do with my closest friends as often as possible. I have a dear friend who is married and she and her husband have a standing coffee date on the weekends. I think this is delightful. As a student I have another level of appreciation for the coffee shop: they are also excellent places for me to hang out and do homework. This is particularly true if it is somewhere that I am unlikely to run into anyone I know. The downside with this setup is that inevitably I have to get up to use the bathroom at some point. This leaves me with two options. Option one: pack up all of my stuff and take it with me to the bathroom. Option two: leave my stuff at the table and ask someone nearby to watch it for me. The problem with option one is that I have a lot of stuff, so packing it up is not a simple process, and I don't want to lose my table (actual spread-out-and-study space is at a premium in coffee shops near the University). The problem with option two is that I have to figure out which of the random people in the coffee shop to trust with my things. This is the dilemma I was confronted with while working on my paper in Starbucks this afternoon/evening. I have come to the conclusion that coffee shop studying works much better with the buddy system in place. If there are two of you, then you will always have someone to watch your stuff while you run to the bathroom. This makes life much simpler.


This picture is from a couple years ago. My dear roommate, who I refer to as Gabby on the blog, came home with me for Thanksgiving and so naturally we went to Starbucks and chatted it up. Can you believe that before I took her to a Starbucks she had never been to one? Yeesh.

First Fig

First Fig
Edna St. Vincent Millay

My candle burns at both ends;
  It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
  It gives a lovely light!

Fridge Wisdom

We used to have magnetic poetry on our fridge. For some reason I never put it up this year. Anyway, when we had it up there were some poetic/funny/profound things that emerged. This is one of those tidbits of wisdom. It struck me again today as I was flipping through my photos looking for something to post. So often I fly through life at a thousand miles an hour, so focused on the future that I miss the present. I am getting better at pausing to appreciate the small things of the moment, but living in the present is still a skill I'm mastering. Slow down. Just a tidbit of wisdom from the fridge.

Smiling anyway

First, I would like to apologize for two things blog related. I am sorry my posts have been rather sporadic lately. The last week was crazy. This week doesn't look any better. In fact, February is pretty much just nutso. Additionally I haven't exactly been feeling like I have anything to share. Most days it has been an effort just to haul myself out of bed and make my way through the day, so by the time I sit down to stare at a new blog post I am usually drained of any ounce of creativity or thought. Which brings me to the second thing I am sorry for. I am sorry that this blog has been so Debbie-Downer-ish lately. That's just the headspace I've been operating in and I find it difficult to be less than honest here. Perhaps it is because it is my art, and art, I find, seldom lies about my mental state. I can smile all day long, but if something is bothering me it will inevitably come out in my creative endeavours.

In an effort to balance out this and this here is a list of 10 things that are making me happy lately.

1. The flowers that my dad bought me a couple weeks ago and are still alive. (I took this photo of them a while ago on an exquisite morning of sunshine, tea and French music.)
2. Tonight's sunset. It was gorgeous. An intense golden sun and the perfect blue/yellow/pink watercolour sky.
3. Pictures of tiny kittens.
4. Professors who genuinely care about me.
5. Conversations with my best friend. Even if they are via text message.
6. Fried mushrooms.
7. Fantasy shopping for furniture/accessories for wherever I end up living next year.
8. Blackberry Vanilla Lipton tea.
9. The fact that I finally feel like I fit in with the guys at work.
10. Watching the latest episode of Greek.

Looking for the off switch

Sometimes I seriously wish my brain had an off switch. The last couple of weeks have been chockfull of those moments. Insomnia has been keeping me company. Panic has been seeping into my thoughts. Screams have been echoing through my mind. I need to be able to tell my brain to stop sometimes. I can tell when I'm getting sucked into panic mode, but I have yet to be able to completely avoid it. You know you're not in a good place when you can't focus in class because you are busy panicking about your future and when you bring homework with you to work in case you have some down time. All of this is wearing me thin and this thinness has made me fragile. I'm short-tempered. I burst into tears at the slightest provocation. I've been avoiding people, not because I don't like them, but because I don't want to inflict myself on them. My life is actually pretty darn good right now. School isn't yet in the mires of papers and exams (although that all starts this week), and work, despite being way too many hours right now, is actually enjoyable. And yet I can't shake this panic. Someone tell me how to turn my brain off.

Magical Evening Sunlight

Longing, lusting, craving, yearning, jonesing, craving...whatever you want to call it, I've got it. If you have been following my tumblr at all you have probably noticed that lately I have been captivated by sunlight. Actually, if you have been following this blog for any length of time you probably know about my obsession with light in all forms. Lately though I've really been craving sunlight. It's actually been rather nice weather-wise the last couple of weeks, but the light in winter just isn't cutting it for me. I need the warm, golden sun of summer and fall. The magical evening sunlight. I miss it. I want it back.

This picture is from back in September and pretty much captures the kind of light I want right now. I suppose I'll have to make do with the pale winter sunlight for now though. Not that it isn't pretty. It's just not what I want.

The Effort of Living

I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. -- The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Some days when my alarm goes off getting out of bed and facing the day just seems like too much effort. Today was one of those days. It's not as if the day I had in front of me was awful (homework, choir rehearsal and work), but it was just blah. And Monday had really knocked the wind out of me. The morning was fine, but then sometime around noon Monday decided to slap me across the face. I burned the dinner I was trying to make to take to work, I dropped everything I touched for the span of about two hours. I acquired a raging headache. Miraculously work was somehow good, but once I got back and was trying to get some more reading done before bed I was overwhelmed with a sense of panic about graduation and my impending future. Of course this panic wouldn't listen to a voice of reason, nor would it kindly go away when I wanted to sleep, so I didn't sleep all that well. All of this meant that when my alarm went off this morning the last thing I wanted to do was put in the effort it would take to face the world. And all day I've been wishing I was back in bed. It's taking a lot of effort for me to simply interact with other people. I am forcing myself to do so in small amounts though because it is the best way I know of to keep myself sane. I'm starting to understand why people simply disappear sometimes though. The idea of going off the grid is incredibly appealing right now.