Misfit

Do you ever suddenly get struck by the feeling that you just do not belong where you are in your life? Tonight I was suddenly overwhelmed by this feeling. I have this picture of what I want my life to be like, I just have no idea how to get from here to there. In fact, so much of getting to that place depends on other people (obviously a factor beyond my control) that I often wonder if there even is anything I can do to shape my life into what I long for. There must be though. There has to be. If there wasn't why would I be hit with these sudden waves of frustration? It feels like I am trying to jam myself into a space that I simply don't fit into. I am not a patient person, and change takes time, so instead I just feel frustrated and desperate, as if my life will never change, as if I will never get where I want to go. Sorry about the not-so-sunny quality of this post. This is just raw emotion that I am trying to process right now.

I feel like this baby tree growing right beside our garage. He is surrounded by leaves from deciduous trees and yet he is a conifer. Not to say that I am not surrounded by people I love, because I am, or that I am not surrounded by people who I identify with, because for the first time in a long time I feel like I am, but just that sometimes I look around myself and feel profoundly isolated and alone. Moreover, this little guy is growing right beside our garage. And I mean RIGHT BESIDE. He shouldn't be there. And sometimes I wonder if I am where I should be. Sometimes I know I am, but sometimes I wonder.